VOTE for us at SXSW

VOTE for us at SXSW

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Intercultural communications has been a passion of mine since I discovered the field in 2000 while living in Singapore. I have had the privilege of working with the top Fortune 500 multi-national companies in the world. What I have learned is that some of the toughest programs aren’t those between U.S. Americans and say Japanese, Brazilians, or Germans, but instead with people from English speaking countries.

The assumption is that just because we speak the same language we should be able to understanding one another, but the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.  As a result, I am asking supporters to vote for our panel submission for the SXSW conference next March in Texas. The panel will illuminate the cultural nuances that are so often overlooked between transatlantic cultures with English as a primary language.

Intercultural Communications is a dialogue worth continuing. Casting your vote helps keep that conversation going and hopefully creating more awareness across cultures. The panel, organized by Ian Sanders and featuring Feargall Kenny of New York Digital Irish, Katherine King of Invisible Culture, and Grainne Barron of Viddyad.

Again, to vote click here.

Thank you.

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How to Be a Good Newcomer- A Montauk Story

How to Be a Good Newcomer – A Montauk Story

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According to the American Automobile Association 8 in 10 Americans planned to travel over 50 miles over Memorial Day weekend. That means that towns all over the United States and beyond saw an influx of newcomers. Media coverage around this popular holiday weekend tends to focus on the weather, where to go and what to do, but rarely does it talk about how to behave.  This past Memorial Day weekend I heard more than one local in the small fishing village of Montauk, NY express frustration at the way visitors were acting. So, in preparation for the summer holidays in the northern hemisphere I ask the question – what makes a good visitor?

People behave at their worst when there is a gap between their expectations and reality. I call this Expectation Discord. The bigger the gap, the worse people behave. Locals in a given community are accustomed to life going at a certain rhythm, people behaving a certain way and traffic moving at a certain pace.  Visitors entering that space typically aren’t going to be in those same rhythms so the locals’ daily lives get turned upside down.

On the flip side, visitors anticipate a certain experience that they hope to have on their holiday and often times this vision is directly opposed to the way of life of the people within the communities that they are entering. A classic Montauk example is the family who is excited to go to the beach every day and therefore rents a house a few blocks away. When they arrive, they pack their hand pulled wagons, put on their suits and head down the road, but usually they don’t realize that while they are on a leisurely stroll to the beach they are taking up half the road if not all of it. The local still has to get to work and voila – there is a mismatch of usage of that public space.

The local expects to be able to drive on the road without hitting someone. The visitor (usually unaware that just because it is a vacation town, doesn’t mean everyone is on vacation) expects to be able to walk to the beach with their family. I hear stories of locals cautioning visitors and then being yelled at by those visitors to mind their own business. The gap in the visitor’s expectation of being able to do whatever they want (“because I paid for it”…. Ugh, I cringe when I hear a visitor speak of the money they bring to town) and the reality that the road is a local’s business, causes bad behavior.

The next story I heard was from a visitor.   She was standing on the long line at the supermarket. The person in front of them said to the check out person, “Are you ready for the crowds? Town is already a nightmare. I wish they would all go home…” While relaying the story of what happened, the visitor said, “I can hear them. I haven’t even done anything wrong other than come to buy some food. I am in a good mood, I am looking forward to having a good time and this guy is taking his frustration about the crowds indirectly onto anyone within earshot.”

These are somewhat innocuous examples, but what they illustrate are a few of the many stories that foster a “local / outsider” dynamic that creates a superiority bias on both sides. The locals feel mistreated or disrespected and the visitors feel that the locals are rude. An “Us vs. Them” mentality emerges.  Attribution Theory states that we typically give credit to ourselves when things go well and blame to others when things go wrong. It is a convenient way to perpetuate the notion that we don’t play a role in creating a more peaceful environment in our minds and our communities, but in fact we do.

One local said, “If you know the traffic is going to be bad during those times, don’t go anywhere!” This may not always be possible, so narrowing the gap between expectations and inevitable realities is one way to foster better management of a situation, but more of the onus should be on the newcomer to adapt to their host environment, not only the local. It is natural to feel irritated when people change your way of life, just like it is natural to be less aware of your environment when you are in a new place.

World renown Interculturalist, Milton Bennett, developed a model of Intercultural Sensitivity which addresses how people react to difference –  the “Us vs. Them” mindset falls in the same category as racism. Now, to group a frustrated tourist or local with a racist is more than a bit extreme, but Bennett might say that the idea behind it is the same. This “my way is the best way,” mentality is at the heart of not only local frustration, but also global conflict. The solutions to both can be surprisingly similar.

So whether you are visiting somewhere in your own country or moving overseas, following are a few tips for the newcomer:

1)     Acknowledge there is a difference.

The first step in being a good newcomer is to recognize that things are there will be a difference between your expectation about how things should be and the reality of how things actually are. This is half the battle and what lies at the foundation of being a good visitor.

2)     Teach Visitor Values to your children, if you have them. Adopt them for yourself if you don’t.

Having conversations with young people about how to behave when in someone else’s home environment – whether it be a hotel room, a house, a community or a city – is the next step in creating heightened awareness and fostering good global citizenship.

3)     Slow down.

Stop and observe how things are operating, whether or not it is safe to engage in the activities you are considering and whether or not your expectations of how you want your visit to go are in direct opposition to the life of the community before you arrived.

4)     Minimize Expectation Discord

Slowing down allows the time to observe what is happening in your new environment. Imagine life during the off season of a new place. Think about what you envision for your time there and do a gap analysis.  Rarely do expectations match when people come from different places and perspectives.

5)     When confronted with “rudeness,” suspend judgment

This is not meant to excuse drunken behavior or belligerence, so much as a strategy to take a moment to give pause to the notion that people may be seeing things differently and therefore not have the ability to take on a different perspective.

6)     Seek out the alternative reasons why people are behaving “badly”

After suspending judgment, try to figure out what else might be going on. The simple act of inquiry in itself can be unifying.

7)     Maintain faith in the goodwill of people and in your own goodwill

This tip comes from the global leader in relocation service, Cartus Corporation. It works. People usually don’t leave their house in the morning and say, “Hey I want to bother someone today.”

8)     Get a trusted cultural advisor

Ask the local what some of the mistakes are that newcomers typically make. You may agree that some are just inexcusable bad behavior, but you may also find that there are things you were planning on doing that when seen from the local’s perspective, might not make as much sense anymore.

9)     Increase awareness of your environment

Whether driving or going to the bank, put up some additional antennae to what is going on around you. Vacation or newcomer mentality tends to be a bit clueless which can easily be translated into disrespect.

10) Forgive bad behavior

An ounce of forgiveness yields a pound of healing. Living with people who are outwardly critical or disrespectful is hard under the worst of circumstances. Releasing yourself from their transgressions means releasing your day from the negative influence of superiority bias.

11) Be picky about the people you spend time with

Claudia Chen of the SHE Conference for women says it best, “We become the company we keep. [A bit of commiseration can be therapeutic, but] we are responsible for our energy and since energy is precious we need to be responsible for cultivating it in a positive way.”

SPECIFICALLY FOR THE VACATIONING NEWCOMER (“tourist”)

12) Never assume you’ve paid the right to do what you want

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a visitor say, “Locals should be happy we are bringing money into their town.” Yuck! Argh! Ptew! Horror! Paying for a vacation does not mean earning the right to be disrespectful.

13) Check Your Driving

A common characteristic of a tourist is that they don’t know where they are going. As a result driving tends to be too slow (while exploring) or too fast (blind corners, children at play). Check your driving. Pull over if you are lost and figure out where you are going and then proceed. Especially in the case of adolescents, we hear countless stories of fast, life threatening driving.

The difference between moving to a new country or simply going on vacation is vast, but the behaviors of good newcomers share many traits. Culture clashes inevitable, but awareness is a good starting point. Who knows, maybe the end point will be decreased frustration for everyone.

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Punctuality and Consistency: a Multi-Cultural Example

The Other Lotus

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From time to time I encounter an exceptional business on my travels. Last year it was in Peru. This year it was on the island of Koh Samui in Thailand. There are certain environments in which it is difficult to find talent let alone retain it. Even if you can find good people, the challenges of then producing highly effective employees within a system that results in an exceptional product are great. A remote island is one of those environments, but efficiency, high quality service, punctuality and consistency are exactly what the owners and manager of Kamalaya Resort on Koh Samui Island have achieved and I was determined to find out what their secret was.

So I met with the General Manager, Clive McNish who was kind enough to sit down with me and share what makes them such an exceptional place. I was amazed to find even the largest multi-national organization could learn a lot from this small business.

Multi-cultural Make-Up

Most organizations would see working in multi-cultural teams a challenge, but Mr. McNish sees it as one of their primary strengths.

“We are lucky to have a large mix of cultures, which is rare in this part of the world,” he responded. When I asked how he kept everything operating so punctually.  “Part of the quality of what we are doing is about the consistency of what we do. It’s no good being good on one day and the next day not. You can see a lot of this in Asia.”

The founders are Canadian and Mexican. The other co-owner is Swiss; the site manager is Hungarian; the chef is from Hong Kong; the Naturapath is S. African. We have an English sales and marketing manager, an Indian web manager, and in the wellness center we have Chinese doctors, a Latvian manager, Indian therapists…we are a mixture.

Training

This all sounds great, but so many businesses struggle because of their multi-national team and he was saying that they were thriving as a result of it. What gives?

“We invest very heavily in training. Time Management is part of training. The most important thing here is the good nature and the ability to be in service of the individual. The skills for our therapists come from our academy that we opened last year. We over hire, so that someone can always be in education, if you like, so they are not actually working all the time.”

He shows me a 177 page manual for wait staff and then, as if he knew I was coming (which he didn’t), he pulls out a stack of laminated flash cards from his desk that represent the Service Standards of the various departments.

“Each department has a set of Standards and each card has a visual picture that goes along with the Standard so employees can internalize the learnings, both visually and verbally, which is key when working across languages. There are language gaps, so we have to be creative about how we get things to stick”

“Also, we have two full-time English teachers on staff. This is very different from a lot of resorts that will have a roving English teacher who will go from resort to resort, here we have made a major investment into that.” That explains the garden staff who greeted me in English so confidently and with an eagerness to continue the encounter to its conclusion. I remember walking away impressed, but also scratching my head a bit as to where he learned such good English.

“When people know what they have to do, they feel much more confident in doing it and then it’s all measurable. But having said that, without taking away that beautiful Thai culture. That has to be allowed to flourish. In the background we are doing what we can for that to happen.”

And this was evident in every encounter I had with staff. I was continually greeted with hands together raised at the heart, often with a Thai greeting (except for the delightful gardener)!

Recruitment

“When we hire a member of staff they have a buddy trainer as they go through the process of learning. It is not a skill that we necessarily look for, it is more about finding a service individual and then we train them.  When we hire a member of staff they have a buddy trainer as they go through the process of learning.”

I have heard this many times in the past – companies that would rather hire for attitude or ambition in place of specific skills. Now that may not always be possible at certain levels and in certain industries, but often recruitment processes focus on job descriptions alone without an organization having a philosophy about what immeasurable qualities a potential employee may have.

Quality

“We also give the therapists a long time between appointments for turnover.  Now when I have run hotels and spas in Europe, the turnover time between treatments is five minutes. Here the turnover time is 30 minutes between treatments. So that also allows for us to absorb when people come in late.  It means that we aren’t driving them at 100%, which gives them the ability to be a bit more relaxed and give nicer service.

“As a mathematical model, someone would say you are crazy, that is not efficient enough, but we would rather have a few less people and have everything work a bit more nicely.” But they don’t have a few less people. In fact, appointment slots are fully booked and a hotel that only a few years ago was easy to get into is now at full occupancy.

Time and time again in my trainings I see corners being cut for the sake of the bottom line and a strong training focus on quality initiatives with fancy names, but that focus tends to be on finding the root causes of problems and cutting out inefficiencies. Here he is telling me the opposite and it is resulting in a higher standard of service, which is resulting in a full roster of treatments, fully booked rooms and multiple awards in their industry.

Team Building

Their philosophy on team building is not mutually exclusive of their philosophy on training. “We have 3-4 team building outings a year. Water jousting, treasure hunts, spider webs they have to get the teams through, water volleyball – classic team building stuff outside of the resort.

“We also allow them to use their own creativity. The first day we did an Iron Resort activity where teams of 20 were told they had to create a restaurant or spa based on our standards. Some became chefs. Some designed menus. Some designed the restaurants. With 250 staff members there are weeks of training that culminate into an annual staff party.”

Investing in People

“The culture of looking after the team is very, very strong. That has been important throughout my whole career. The more time you invest in people the happier they are and the more turnover is reduced and that is one of the biggest challenges in the hotel industry throughout the world, so if there is anything you can do to reduce it.

“It isn’t always about money though. It’s also about those small benefits. Sporting activities, sponsoring certain things, hospital visits, medical insurance and all that stuff that goes with it are all part of the package that makes it more attractive for the team.

“They are very well looked after. We do as much as we can.”

Retention

Such factors aid tremendously in holding on to valuable employees.  Over the past ten years I have heard retention come up over and over again as the number one human resource challenge. One can look to external forces such as globalization. We are in a unique moment in history where the global employee market place is going through a significant transition. When people are able to make ten times what their parents made each time they change jobs you can’t blame them for shifting from place to place.

“There is a huge family culture here, but it doesn’t mean people don’t leave because the guy up the road opens up and offers them more money, but the turnover has definitely gone down and people are invested into Kamalaya. If you look at the length of 60% percent of them it is long – 6-7 years. That is exceptional for this market.” And it isn’t only this market. Large multi-nationals in big cities with highly educated workforces are also struggling with this issue.

“Still it’s difficult to keep people. Samui isn’t as attractive as some places like Phuket or Bankok. 90% of the staff is Thai. Many Thai want to go overseas – the Middle East or to work on cruise ships. The funny thing is, a lot of them come back and I open the door immediately because they spread their stories about the hardships. Working 16 days, no place to eat – oh actually it isn’t so bad here. In fact, we have a lady coming back from the Maldives in a couple of weeks.”

Passion

“My philosophy is and a philosophy for them is, if you aren’t making a difference here or doing something that you can leave behind that will actually help people in the future, you probably shouldn’t be here because you are doing nothing but drawing from the environment.

“We are driving for those five star standards and I think that comes from a shared responsibility towards something beyond just a job.”

Founded by John and Karina Stewart, Kamalaya started with a vision that is carried on even in their absences.

“Many places like this are a business first and a concept second. Here we are a concept first and it is the passion of John and Karina that created this place and doesn’t go away. Even as it gets bigger and expands, that passion of John is still here. It is really amazing how he talks about this place and what drove him to have it.

When John comes to town the staff looks forward to it.

The Other Lotus

So why the lotus? It is a symbol of something beautiful emerging from the murky mud below the surface of the water upon which it sits. Not only is it a symbol of strength, beauty and perseverance across many religious philosophies, but also the logo of Kamalaya. Here is an example, which has risen from the classic murky challenges of multi-cultural teams, isolated location and global transition into a visibly exceptional product that is firm in its roots.

Cross-Cultural Training?

In conclusion, I couldn’t help but ask about Cross-Cultural Training – that is what I do after all, so I was wondering if it played any role.

“Yes, last year we did something on being an expat in Thailand and some people thought it was risky to do. We talked about how Thai people do things differently and in the end it was an absolutely brilliant day and then we could go out for a night afterwards. It was good. We will do it again.”

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Heads Up in the New Year!

Heads Up in the New Year!

Most New Year’s resolutions have to do with food and exercise, but healthier living also has to do with how we think. As a result, my first blog of the year is a brief little exercise about conscious and unconscious bias in hopes of inspiring a new way of reflecting on how we think about the world around us.

Step 1: Look at this picture and ask yourself: “What are stereotypes you can come up with of women dressed like she is?”

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Step 2: Now look at the next picture and answer the same question.

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Try to capture the very first thoughts that come into your mind. This will allow you to really take stock of how we all have tapes that play in our minds and how they can affect the way we see things with which we may not be familiar.

After 9/11 the following notions were more and more likely:

obedient
submissive
oppressed
uneducated
uncooperative
un-American
not my friend
unapproachable
unable to work
can’t drive
fanatic
TERRORIST

And yet she is none of these. She is:

a soccer mom
a business woman
a former Ms. Softball U.S.A.
a lover of country and Arabic music
She is a Muslim
She is American

This is Lobna Mohamed Abdel Rehim Ismail – shortened in the U.S.A. to four letters – Luby. She is the founder and President of Connecting Cultures, located in Washington D.C., a consulting firm that specializes in facilitating people’s understanding of culture and religion. She was the go to person in the days following 9/11.

The above exercise is inspired by her trainings during those confusing days when government agencies were scrambling to make sense of the backlash and random violence that was sweeping the nation against Arabs, Muslims or people who looked Muslim. Men with beards, women who covered their hair or Sikhs who were victims of horrible crimes and that unfortunately still continue today.

Luby’s rooms went from the ideal 20 people to the necessary 200 with standing room only. One professor admitted, “After you put that (head scarf) on I could no longer hear you. I could no longer listen to you. I was so disturbed by becoming aware of my own bias that I had to leave the room.” For him it awakened something inside. It revealed that as a father of three girls with progressive attitudes advocating women’s rights, he was still so affected by this woman’s choice to cover her head.

So what is it about the experience of so many people in non-Muslim-majority countries that we are more interested by what is on a woman’s head than what is in her head?

It is hard to know when we have unconscious biases operating since they are, well, unconscious. Exercises like these and digging deeper to challenge our stereotypes is a great first step in creating a healthier way of approaching the New Year and opening up our minds to all possibilities.

So for me, I will continue to ask myself – what are my unconscious biases that play a role in how I see the world? What is the tape that plays in my mind? Maybe in 2014 we can add mindfulness to the definition of good health; mindfulness of ourselves, mindfulness of those around us and mindfulness that there is so much that is invisible to us.

With that I will leave you with one final picture:

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Thank you Luby for sharing your experiences. Happy New Year everyone.

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The Cocktail Party Question

The Cocktail Party Question

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Do you know what your Cocktail Party Question is?

We are deep into party season with Thanksgiving and Hanukkah having just passed and Christmas and the New Year around the corner. Naturally, many of us, regardless of religion, will be meeting new people. This brings me to what I refer to as The Cocktail Party Question – that question we ask when striking up a conversation with someone new and we are trying to get to know them better.  What partygoers may not realize is that the initial questions we choose to ask can provide insights into our own invisible cultures. Since self-awareness is the first step on the path to intercultural awareness, why not look at our own Cocktail Party Questions.

When asking that initial question, many of us are inadvertently assigning status to the people that we meet based solely on what we (either individually or collectively as a society) have learned is good. We all have different backgrounds and because of that, what may seem like a simple and non-offensive question to us could potentially be offensive to someone else. For example, the typical Cocktail Party Question in the U.S. is, “What do you do?” I asked this question to an Australian woman that I met in Japan a while back and learned very quickly that it was offensive to her when she replied:

“Katherine, why do Americans always ask that question? Who cares what I do, what is more important is who I am.”

I thought about it, but I still wanted to know what she did. I come from the land where the slogan, “Just Do It!” was a wild success for a reason.  Here in the U.S. we elevate people based on the actions they take, hence, what you do tells me something about who you are in my world.

Mind you it doesn’t matter if we like the particular action – I might not want to participate in triathlons, but the fact that someone commits to them and spends their time doing something is admirable in my culture. Observing actions allows us as Americans to better process how to organize our thoughts about one another.

It wasn’t until years later as an Interculturalist that I learned that every culture has a way of assigning status to people. Therefore, what may be an appropriate question here in the U.S. may send the wrong message elsewhere and vice versa.

Some cultures people may assign status to your connections, the university to which you went, where you live or the mere fact that you went to university, regardless of where. For some it’s socioeconomics, religion or the number of degrees that you have. There is no end to the ways we assess one another, so there is no end to the number of Cocktail Party Questions you may hear around the world.

Regardless of the measuring stick, each group develops these preferences in response to approval from their communities. The answer to The Cocktail Party Question gives insight into a person’s success, goodness, likeability, and general worthiness of admiration in their own home town, not necessarily another’s.

While living in Singapore I was often asked how much money I made, how much I paid for rent, or how much my jewelry cost. In the U.S. that would be considered highly offensive (although some northern Europeans have complained to me that Americans talk about money too much). I have heard U.S. Americans express disgust at this practice of asking the price of things, but make no mistake – we are all asking the same question, we just have different ways of doing it.

In the U.S. we ask about actions. In France people may ask what university you attended. In Germany you don’t need to ask, you just pass on your business card and all of your degrees are listed right there to tell people of your status. In the U.K. they don’t even need a question because status is immediately established based on a person’s accent, which reveals all sorts of information like origin, locale and education level. Gen Y people may ask about your social networks, which tells them something about the communities to which you choose to belong (a choice few generations have had before).

While I am not an advocate of stereotyping, simple generalizations can act as guidelines to first establishing that there are differences and then taking steps towards respecting them. The goal is not to tolerate one another (which suggests putting up with something we don’t like), but to take it one step further and accept that those differences mean that we come from different places with different values that are supported through intricate reward systems. Once we can establish an environment of respect for differences we can celebrate our diversity and hopefully enjoy the holidays a little bit more.

In memory of Nelson Mandela (1918 – 2013) who changed our world by accepting our differences, making bold steps toward bringing people together and reconciling the wounds of our past. No words can adequately describe what a great loss this is to South Africa and the rest of the world. 

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Treat Others as They Want to Be Treated

The Golden Platinum Rule

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The Golden Rule has got to go. Dating back to ancient times the basic idea that people should treat each other the way they themselves want to be treated is a common theme across religions and culture, but what if all of that wisdom is wrong. What if I don’t want to be treated the way a Kuwaiti woman wants to be treated? What if you don’t want to be treated the way your neighbor does? The Golden Rule is a great concept, with good intending reciprocity underlying it, but it may not always be applicable in this global world.

Instead, consider The Platinum Rule – “Treat others how they wish to be treated.” The basic assumption of the Golden Rule is that we are all the same and we all have similar preferences. The basic assumption of the Platinum Rule is that we accept the differences between us and we have a willingness to adapt to those differences while hanging on to our own individual or cultural preferences.

We don’t assume that people are going to like all of the same food that we like, so why do we assume that they will like the same treatment that we will? Some people like to be confronted, some left alone. Some people like to be hugged, some people find touching uncomfortable. Some people like to use first names, while others may find that offensive.

Take John, for example. He thinks that honesty is the best policy and doesn’t like it when people beat around the bush. When he was working with his Thai counterpart, Ngam, he got straight to the point and often called meetings to discuss progress reports and next steps. John felt that Ngam was never sharing everything with him and was often suspicious of his intentions.

Ngam felt very anxious around John, with whom he wasn’t very familiar. Ngam didn’t quite understand why he needed to be so abrupt when talking about projects, especially in meetings when other people were around. Ngam felt that before he and John could make decisions together they should check with the rest of their team and their supervisor to make sure they were authorized to move forward on John’s suggestions. Furthermore, Ngam didn’t feel it was appropriate to raise certain issues with certain people in the room.

As a result, Ngam stayed quiet a lot of the time so he could wait to check with his supervisor and John found this to be tricky, cunning, calculated and dishonest. Because John was unaware that things were done differently in Ngam’s culture he pushed forward in the way in which he was most comfortable. Because Ngam was not familiar with how John did things, he shut down which created further distance between them.

In order to apply The Platinum Rule there first must be a certain level of understanding about a counterpart’s culture, but awareness is hard to come by when communication styles differ. A good indicator that culture or personality (culture of the individual) may be playing a role is when there is a feeling of discomfort or frustration with someone. This can be leveraged as a positive if it can be seen as a learning moment.

SOLUTION: The key to applying the Platinum Rule to cross-cultural interactions is to suspend judgment and find out what your counterparts preferences are. Suspend judgment and seek out the alternative reasons behind why people do the things they do. Most people don’t walk out of their house in the morning and say, “Hey, I am going to frustrate someone today.” For the most part, people go to work hoping to do well and be productive, if not exceptional. If you find yourself saying that someone is lazy or dishonest, most likely there is something else going on.

Once judgment is suspended we can work towards learning about how we can adapt our behaviors to achieve mutual goals. In the case of John and Ngam, their discomfort with each other is a great indicator of a potential learning moment. If they can suspend their negative evaluations and use their frustrations to dig deeper into the intent behind their actions and reactions, they may be better able to get to the bottom of things.

In this case, if John learned that, traditionally, in Ngam’s culture it is inappropriate, if not rude, to 1) speak up in a meeting where there is a boss, 2) put forth his/her individual opinion without considering the group or 3) give strong handshake to a superior, John may be better able to accurately interpret the meaning behind Ngam’s style.

If Ngam was able to recognize that in John’s culture meetings are for brainstorming and decision-making, he may be able to better equip himself and his team mates to get the authorizations they need and come to some kind of consensus on what their shared goals are.

Since the Golden Rule has so much goodness behind it, I am not suggesting we throw it out completely, but simply adapt the way we think about it moving forward.  In the end, by taking the time to learn about someone else’s preference we are better able to walk the talk of being global and adapt our behaviors while still hanging on tightly to our home core values. It is basic human nature to assume that people want things the way we do, but in a globalizing world that idea may just not be as golden as we once thought.

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Raising Globally Minded Children

How To Raise Globally Competent Kids

Hands on a globe --- Image by © Royalty-Free/CorbisWhat are your prejudices? For whom do you hold contempt? Is it the Hipsters? City people? Middle Easterners? Mexicans? African Americans? Maybe it’s rich people, poor people, white people or bankers? Be completely honest with yourself about which groups become scapegoats, evil-doers, and generally the people you blame for threatening your way of life and then think about how related comments may be affecting your kids.

We all have one if not more biases we carry with us. In some cases our judgments are what keep us safe in this world, but in others they can be harming us. No place is that more apparent then in how we set examples for our children. Whether you live in one place or travel around, success is no longer guaranteed by what a person knows so much as what they can do with that knowledge. I’ve met many experts in their fields who are stumped at how to get their projects to flourish because of cultural differences. Without cultural competence you can be a rocket scientist, but won’t be able to get anything off the ground if you can’t respect and mobilize your counterparts.

The need to equip our children with the ability to interact with or outsiders from either next door or around the world is increasing every day. While the ideal way to create globally minded children is to travel and expose them to different ways of doing things, there are a few simple (and even not so simple) steps parents can take to integrate a global mindset into their daily lives, whether they get on a plane or not.

1. Set the Example

Developing a global mindset unquestionably starts with the parents. How you react to things, categorize people, qualify information and respond to the differences around you will inform a big part of the attitudes your kids develop towards people who are not like them. Most of us aren’t doing anything wrong, but below are some ways of setting the example that can be added to our play books to better equip our children for a flatter world. By setting the example, fostering a global mindset in children ends up starting with us.

2. Us versus Them

Children will develop their attitudes towards difference through the things they hear their parents say. If parents have an Us versus Them attitude, their children will pick up on that and develop a similar world view. The Us/Them paradigm fosters a sense of false superiority that encourages exclusivism and actually weakens your children’s ability to objectively measure the world around them. It will certainly work against them when interacting with people globally. The Local/Outsider model is probably the most prolific example of this – local versus non-local, urban versus suburban, black versus white, rich versus poor, young techie versus old fogy. In the end the irony in it all is that our complaints about others, say more about Us than they do about Them.

3. Avoid Stereotypes and Generalizations

It is hard to avoid judging groups of people based on the behaviors that bother us about them, especially when those behaviors threaten a way of life. While sometimes generalizations can be helpfully descriptive, they can also be damaging if used too often. Example: the French are rude, Americans are loud, Germans are strict, Australians are fun, Chinese are clever. Even locally we use gross-generalizations: Hipster, Jersey people, Tourists, City folk, Rednecks. There are two problems with this. 1) It fosters the Us/Them and 2) It suggests that an entire country or group of people is unrealistically homogenous. That is a risky lesson to teach our kids if we want them to succeed in an increasingly heterogeneous world. Not only can it pigeon hole our kids into one of these categories, but it doesn’t allow for the diversity that exists within all cultures.

4. Qualify Lessons

In the United States children are often taught to look a person in the eye and shake hands firmly when they meet. In some countries looking an elder or superior directly in the eyes could be considered disrespectful. A firm handshake could be a sign of over confidence or lack of humility. When we qualify the lesson we are encouraging mindfulness, ex. “In the United States, you look at someone in the eyes when you greet them, but in some cultures this could be rude.” This lets children know that their way isn’t the only way, which leads to mindfulness.

5. Use Descriptions

It is easy to jump to conclusion based on what we see, but sticking to descriptions protects us and our kids from falling victim to inaccurately using our visible cultures to interpret someone else’s invisible culture. Continuing our above example, three possible ways a person could react to a firm hand shake:

a. Description: The young woman squeezed firmly when shaking hands.

b. Interpretation: The woman is rude and doesn’t understand my culture. She can’t be trusted.

c. Evaluation: The woman is bad.

(Generalization: Western women are over confident and disrespectful).

By sticking to descriptions we are teaching our children that there may be more to certain behaviors than meets the eye. How would you feel if someone judged you negatively for something you were taught was good, like a firm handshake?

6. Teach Them Another Language

Learning a language is a full-time commitment. For a child the ideal way to learn a second language is to be surrounded by it, but that is a primary goal or luxury few have. Language holds cultural cues often not accessible otherwise. Consider the Chinese character for home: the characters for house and woman combined. When you travel to a country with a foreign language learn a few key words and phrases and encourage your children to do the same. Good morning, thank you, please, where is the__, goodnight and I don’t speak ___, can go a long way to modeling respect. It has the added benefit of letting people from the host culture know you are at least trying. In the end it isn’t necessarily important to get children to fluency so much as it is to opening their minds to other possibilities.

7. Books and Films

Exposing children to books and films that have protagonists that are from different backgrounds can be incredibly enriching. IncultureParent.com has a great list of cartoons that feature main characters that aren’t the prototypical white.  Some of our favorite movies to watch at home with our 5 and 7 year old include Kirikou and any of Hayao Miyazaki’s Films . If you children are studying a certain language then having them watch films in that language will help with comprehension over time. Disney has a wide variety of offerings in multiple languages, even though most of their standards wouldn’t fall under the multi-cultural category.  Amazon has a list that acts as a great starting point of Best Books to Teach Children About Culture and Barnes and Noble has an excellent section on Teen Fiction – People’s and Culture.

8. Welcome an Exchange Student

Inviting a member of another culture into your home is a great way to expose children to difference. Ideally, an exchange student will speak the language that you are trying to encourage your child to learn, but if language isn’t involved, simply having a person from another culture provides all sorts of opportunities to discuss geography, culture and different ways of doing things. While this is a commitment, many people find it enriches the lives of all parties involved.

9. Travel

There is no better way to expose children to respecting different ways of doing things than to travel while incorporating the above tips into your interactions. If international travel isn’t your thing, then simply going to a neighboring state or community also provides opportunities for showing respect and appreciation for our differences. It is also valuable to keep in mind that being involved in local community activities that include people with disabilities is another way of transporting yourself into another culture as most of the time those communities have their own specific cultures that affect their values, beliefs and communications patterns as well.

10. Have a Globe and Atlas on Hand

Having a globe and atlas around the house allows you to talk about where your children are in relation to all of the other countries and people in the world. UNICEF publishes a couple of great books by Anabel and Barnabas Kindersley, one of which is called Children Just Like Me which shows kids from around the world in their local clothes and environments. This combined with the atlas and globe makes the conversation more dynamic and visual and allows children to relate to different locations more dynamically.

In the end, it isn’t necessary to take extreme measure to raise a globally minded child. Every country has its own cultural similarities and subcultures that contradict those since each individual is unique regardless of their background. The key is to be flexible and be able to adapt to each situation that arises. Simply changing the way in which we talk about people from different places provides the example for children that they can keep with them a lifetime.

Let us know your thoughts and please share some strategies from your own playbook.

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iC University

graduation

 

I’ll never forget the first time Invisible Culture was made visible to me. I was 11 years old at a water park in Florida, when a girl standing in line behind me asked,

“You wanna be my friend?” She had a deep southern drawl, which was unfamiliar to my New York ears.

I responded, “Sure, but you have such a strong accent.”

To which she replied, “I don’t have an accent, you have an accent!” I thought to myself, “I don’t have an aix ceent.” Wait a minute here…

In a blink I had my first cross-cultural “aha” moment: To her my way of speaking was strange. As I started to process this I struggled with the concept that she thought that her accent was normal.

And then it dawned on me: I am not the center of the universe. I stood there with my mouth half opened. The way I see the world isn’t the only way to see the world? My truth isn’t the only truth. I looked at her and felt a complete mix of emotions.   Shock. Horror. Pause. Wait, really? I didn’t know if I was crushed or giddy. The moment passed and we played all day, but the experience was not easily forgotten.

The next day on the long drive back to New York I thought about that interaction a lot. I felt betrayed and enlightened at the same time. I felt as if a door had been opened to a world that didn’t have a physical location. It was a door that led to multiple perspectives and open minds. It was a moment of awakening for me that has lasted a lifetime – the first of many and hopefully not my last.

So why do I tell this story? Because it is the beginning of the school year in the northern hemisphere and as we prepare to get back to school schedules I can’t help but reflect back on iCs blog and the comments I have received back from so many of you. Human-interest stories like the one about the Taxi driver or the Peruvian “CEO” seem to be popular, but many also ask about what it is exactly that I do and I am often at a loss to explain it in words.

In fact, words are ill-suited for the task of explaining how Invisible Culture impact our daily lives or what Invisible Culture actually is. Nonetheless, I will endeavor to write blogs from time to time that are a good starting point for explaining the unexplainable. Words (visible culture) are insufficient to have the impact that my interaction had, that said, they are a starting point.

One of the cornerstones of my industry of Intercultural Communications Training is that in order for true, accurate and ethical cultural learning to occur, it has to be experiential. You can’t teach culture. The process of me going through the experience of interacting with someone different is what opened my eyes, not someone telling me we are all different, not me saying I respect differences, not a grown up telling me to open my eyes. We all have bias by nature. It is what keeps us safe in our worlds, but it is also what gets us into trouble when we have to coexist with people who are not the same or do not have the same reference points that we do.

Everybody is the center of his or her own universe. Everybody will see the world based on his or her unique experiences. Everybody has been taught or has learned something that they believe to be good or bad. Everybody, to a certain extent, believes that their world view is correct and everybody, regardless of whether they are conscious of it or not, has something at stake when that idea is challenged. Hence, the need for a more experiential approach and my disclaimer: when I write about the basics of iC in my little iC University it will not be an end all be all, so much as, hopefully, a starting point for discussion.

Children are excused from an ethnocentric approach to seeing the world, especially those that aren’t exposed to too many people outside of their primary communities, but adults have less of an excuse. The world is changing. Newcomers are an inevitability. Every new person, whether from another country, town, age, educational, career or financial background, represents a culture unto themselves and as my favorite quote from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel goes, “Culture is like a wave. Resist it and it will knock you down. Dive straight in and you will come out the other side.”

I hope you continue to join me as we dive deeper into Invisible Culture.

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CEOs Among Us

BigFishSmallPond

As I approached my seat on the airplane back to the U.S. a few weeks ago I was mildly disappointed to note a man in the seat next to mine.  I was hoping for a stretched out conversation-free flight but because of him I got the exact opposite. What I didn’t expect was that by the end of it all I would have a hard time saying goodbye.

I looked him over. Dark skin, pressed shirt, fingernails caked with dirt. He sat a bit off centered with his hands clenched over the bag on his lap. I removed the plastic from my blanket; he did the same. I opened my book; he reached for a magazine. I pushed on my T.V. screen; he pushed on his. Despite his interest in the T.V. screen he said, “No,” to headsets and then it dawned on me – this young, but hard faced, wrinkle skinned man had never been on a plane before.

I reached back, requested a headset and handed it to him and we resumed our game of Simon Says. I put on my headset; he did the same. I stuck the plastic wrap from my blanket in the seat pocket; he did the same. I put back my seat; he tried to do the same, but had no idea how. For the next half hour we communicated through nods and gestures and the occasional words.

He sat with his headset on just looking around and I showed him the end of cord. He jumped when I plugged it in. Once the volume was lowered he looked around as if he could see things floating in the air in front of him. He pointed to the screen and raised his eyebrows and I taught him how to use his first touch screen.

He inevitably pushed the icons to hard, too long and not quite on the mark and I couldn’t help thinking that this could be a metaphor for what was in store for him in America. The person in front of him looked back irritated a few times. After some music, he switched to movies and his first choice was Batman. The Batmobile and the Joker appeared on his screen  – welcome to America.

I shrugged it off and went back to my iPad until he wanted help with his immigration forms and that is where I learned his story.

“Address in the US?,” I asked

“Colorado.”

“Street?”

“Colorado.”

He looked at me sideways. I explained that Colorado was a state and that there were more specifics directions to where he would be going. He still didn’t know, so he handed over his passport with all of the paperwork some agency had probably given him and some of which was stapled directly into his passport.

Still no address, but there was letterhead from the Western Range Association stating that he was going to a ranch out in Colorado. I looked over the paper work in Spanish and his story became clearer.

He was being hired as a Shepard and he should expect to work the majority of his time alone with responsibility of upward of 1000 sheep. He had to have at least 1 year experience in this job and should expect to work long hours. Being able to ride a horse was a requirement. If his calloused hands were any indication, none should have been a problem at the tune of about $750 a month in pay.

During the rest of the flight he told me more. He was a father of 9 and had left his wife and family alone in an area that sounded quite remote. She wouldn’t have any relatives near by, but some of the children were old enough to help out. He was going to America to make more money and send it back to them in the hopes of a better future. In reality, he was the chief of his tribe, the CEO of his family, if you will.

In teaching him all of these new things, it was I who was changed during that flight. I learned what it was to be new again and how much fear is involved in going to a new place for the first time. I learned that he didn’t know what turbulence was or if it meant we were going to live or die. I also learned that as we approached the airport that he had grown comfortable enough to ask if I would make sure he got to his next gate. I learned that while he was intrigued by the movie icon image for Brokeback Mountain, he wasn’t all together comfortable with the topic. Ironically as I showed him all of this new technology it was he who taught me.

So why am I telling this story? Aside from the wonder of seeing the world through such new and unfamiliar eyes, Invisible Culture is about suspending judgment to seek out the reasons behind things that may not be immediately apparent. Our world-view is anchored in our experiences, so when we come into contact with people who are different from ourselves there can be a tendency to evaluate people from our own perspective. While our judgments and instincts are important to keep us safe in our environments, they can also cause us to jump to conclusions that are completely inaccurate and even at times prejudice.

I wondered what people in the land of manicures and pedicures would think of his hands. I wondered what responses he would get from people who think foreigners should speak “American.” I wondered if people would call him an alien if he wasn’t here illegally and I wondered if his employer would recognize that he was the CEO of his life in Peru. More immediately, I wondered how on earth he was going to afford lunch in JFK airport, let alone Dulles and Denver, which were still after that.

In the end, I waited for him and his friend at immigration, but an official came along. She said, “I’ll take it from here,” and so I reluctantly walked away as both he and I looked over our shoulders at one another as the distance between us grew with each step. After saying something to them she left them standing there alone and I wondered if she had any idea of how shocking baggage claim at JFK must have been to this Shepard of sheep, father of nine and CEO of his previous rural existence. We waved goodbye, but I suspected neither of us did so without reservations.

A couple of weeks later I contacted the ranch where he was working. I was delighted to receive a note back that all was well, but his trip was not that easy after that. A plane was missed (unsure of the reason) and his baggage never arrived so he was without any of his personal belongings and relying on the kindness of other workers to lend him some of their things. Once a chief, now a beggar.

So now what would you think of a person with dirty finger nails? How about the person that sits behind you on a plane and pushes on the back of your chair? Or how about a grown man who can’t speak English and is counting pennies to pay his lunch? Is he an alien or a hero to ten people who await his arrival home? We may never find out how his story ends, but we certainly can be a better part of someone else’s beginning.

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Third Culture Kids (TCKs)

TCKs2

There is an entire community of people in the world that are uniquely connected by their upbringing, but weren’t raised in the same place. What they share is the experience of growing up outside of the cultural mainstream and for whom “home” is not defined by a physical location on a map. Instead it is defined by the experience of being raised in different cultures. When an American child grows up in China, they aren’t Chinese, but they aren’t typically American either, so what are they?

Some refer to this community as Third Culture Kids (TCKs), while others are now calling for the term Third Culture Adults (TCAs) for those who are grown. “Third culture” doesn’t refer to people raised in the third world, but instead to the experience of being raised in (1) a genuinely cross-cultural world, (2) in a highly mobile world, or (3) with distinct physical differences from the people around them. As a result, it is the third culture experience, of not fully belonging to one or another, that defines them more than anything else.

Research has shown that when TCKs go to college, they do not migrate towards people from their nationality or host country, but instead to other TCKs. So a Kenyan raised in Mexico may feel more affinity to an American raised in France than to a Kenyan or a Mexican. The “third” culture experience is what dominates regardless of whether or not someone was raise with two different cultures or ten – it is not a quantitative term, but a qualitative one of being of multiple places versus just one.

This is a great privilege in many ways, but can pose challenges if it is not recognized in our children or friends. TCKs tend to be highly educated, hold prestigious positions, speak more than one language and have multiple perspectives, but they also can be left with a feeling of isolation or lack of sense of belonging if not supported by people around them.

Profiles of TCKs include 1) people raised in a country different from the passport of their parents, 2) people raised in bi-racial or bi-cultural families or 3) people whose upbringing is highly mobile. Children of diplomats, executives of multi-national companies, aid workers, anthropologists and the military are all classic examples of TCKs.

According to David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken, authors of the book Third Culture Kids (TCK), “The TCK builds relationships to all of their cultures, while not having full ownership in any.” So how do you know when you have met a TCK? The next time you are at a cocktail party and meet someone who pauses after you ask them where they are from, chances are they are TCKs. Defining “home” in traditional terms is much harder for a TCK than someone raised in one cultural context and so it is often a question that stumps them.

Following is a brief documentary “So Where’s Home?” which explores TCK identity through the eyes of students at several international schools in Asia. Adrian Bautista, a TCK and graduate of Georgetown University, made this video. Bautista illustrates how TCKs don’t necessarily define themselves by their shared nationality, ethnicity, race, religion, or even values, instead their group and often individual identity is based on the experience of belonging everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

I wonder when you will meet one next.

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